In many ways, God is not like us. So it’s easy for us to misunderstand him. And yet in some ways, he is quite like us. So some of his character is easy for us to understand.
I want to write briefly about just one thing in God’s character that seems to throw a lot of us off: He is both kind and stern.
Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off.
NIV Romans 11:22
Much could be studied about this, but this single verse gets us far enough to make my point. That is, that God is the sort to “cut off” people who do not “continue in his kindness”. He is not tolerant of the unkind. And yet, he is also kind himself.
Many of us will scratch our heads at this. It is unusual to us—different—weird. The way it seems to go with a great many humans is that we are mostly either one or the other—kind or stern. And many of us believe that the right way to be is just the one, and not both. Some see kindness as a virtue and sternness as a sin or a weakness. Others will think sternness is the virtue, and kindness is some sort of weakness. The problem with either view is that it does not understand the whole of God’s character, but tries to sum it up as more one than the other—either more kindness, or more sternness. Or, in the case of some of those with more extreme views, that God is all kindness and no sternness—or either, the other way around.
Let’s look at some of the pros and cons of both extremes.
The Sternness-Only Camp
PROS
People in this camp are great at helping you if you want to overcome your errors, because they will tell it like it is. If you are at fault, they’ll let you know. They’re not going to hold back out of worry about hurting your feelings. They’re not going to put off dealing with problems. And they’re totally going to respect the fact that humans are—and ought to be—responsible for what they do. People in this camp will not shield you from the consequences of your sins and errors.
CONS
Sternness-only people are lacking in kindness, compassion, empathy, and love. They tend to overlook the struggle that we each must face in dealing with ourselves as we learn how to be godly in an ungodly world—and while living in a human body that’s not always willing to do what’s right. They tend to over-correct. Where God and Jesus often move people with grace and compassion (as well as with punishment/correction), the sternness-only person will generally resort to hard/harsh language or punishments of one sort or another, even when lesser measures would have sufficed. It’s like the old saying, “To a hammer, everything’s a nail.” They think that sternness is the answer to every problem. And this is particularly troubling since a great deal of the Bible’s message, even to the sternness-only camp is that God himself has been loving, gracious, forgiving, and compassionate to them. Sternness, as valuable as it is, simply does not constitute the full package of godly character. Where a kindness-only person may tend to be a conflict avoider, the sternness-only person may tend to be a conflict seeker, as if conflict were they only thing with problem-solving powers. They may also tend to be sullen, bitter, and aggravated, as the world is filled with sin and error, and as a great many people are under-convinced of the high value of sternness.
The Kindness-Only Camp
PROS
Kindness-only people can be very encouraging and refreshing. They can inspire hope in us about our struggles and our failures. If we are the negative sort, they can help us see the positive (if we’re not too stubborn about staying negative in our view). They are apt to point out our virtues and talents and gifts, and to help us take a more generous view of ourselves. They are generally fun to be around, and can brighten up a dark world.
CONS
Kindness-only people tend to have an aversion to things that seem or feel negative. They tend to be conflict avoiders. If they’re helping you with your diet and exercise program, they’ll praise your successes, and then go quiet on your failures, because they won’t want to wrestle with your counterproductive thoughts and habits—even though that’s exactly what you need someone to do. The kindness-only person may tend to be frustrated with the world’s problems, wishing they would all just go away. They might voice some frustration such as, “Why can’t we all just get along?”, but will not be likely to say something like, “We’ve put up with this problem long enough; isn’t it about time that we got to work and fixed it?” If you need to be grabbed by the lapels and to have some good sense talked into you, the kindness-only person is not the one to turn to.
More Thoughts
Perhaps a whole book should be written on this fascinating topic, but for now, I just had a couple more observations.
I observe that there are often tensions between sternness-only people and kindness-only people—as between those who, though being a bit more balanced, may still lean heavily in their disposition, toward the one side or the other. Having decided that their own position is the morally superior one, they will naturally cringe at the paradigms of those in the opposing camp. The kindness-only folks might be the first to leave your organization when it runs into internal conflicts. They may think “Too much drama!”, and they won’t be able to stomach the kinds of confrontations that are necessary to fix things and move forward. So they’ll just quit.
Meanwhile, the sternness-only crowd will have trouble accepting people who are imperfect as it regards the mission of the organization, and will see each of their faults as a threat to the well-being of the organization. Where the kindness-only person may say, “Can’t we all just get along?”, the sternness-only person may well say, “Why can’t you people just get with the program?” The one says “You’re too harsh!” and the other says, “You’re too soft!” And yet neither has the mature and balanced view.
I have tended in my life to be heavy on the sternness side, and light on the kindness side. I don’t think I have ever been to the extreme of sternness-only, but I can definitely relate with people who may think that way. And I often think that I see kindness-biased people making errors and failing to fix what could be fixed with a modest amount of effort. This is a constant source of frustration to me, as I have invested considerable time in my years learning how to fix certain problems that generally remain unfixed. But at the same time, I also frequently see sternness-biased people being too heavy-handed, when less would do.
My goal now, however, is to be both; to be kind where kindness is needed, and stern where sternness is needed. And that may sound simple enough in theory, but learning the difference can be challenging. It requires lots of listening and observing, and lots of checking one’s own habitual reflexes and tendencies.
A Classic Struggle in Need of Both Kindness and Sternness
Having cheated my physical fitness for all of my life, I find myself at 57 years old facing some of the consequences of that negligence, and being more motivated than before to get serious about it. I see that I have been willing in principle to execute the diet and exercise I need, but that my great weakness is that I just don’t want to do it right now. Rather, I tend to want to do it later—when I feel better. Ironically, the reason I don’t feel better is because I am unfit. And the reason I am unfit is because I’m not in the habit of doing the right thing as regards my fitness.
So this is a classic struggle for me; a chicken-and-egg problem if ever there was one. And in the last couple of months, I have learned that retraining my mind—changing my habitual thinking—is the problem that must be solved before I can effectively get the dieting and exercising done. It’s the not-so-obvious problem that is fundamental to the problem you can see by looking at unfit Jack!
Fortunately, I have enlisted the help of a fitness coach. And she is an exceedingly kind person—encouraging and positive and such—but she is also willing and able to wrestle with my counterproductive thoughts, which is the very weakness that I have not been able to overcome by myself in these 57 years so far. If she were all kindness and no sternness, she couldn’t give me the rebuke and correction and admonition that I sometimes need. And if she were all sternness and no kindness, she couldn’t give me the grace and compassion that I need. Because she is both, it’s working, and I’m now (mostly) enjoying a twice-a-day workout plan that I would never have endured before!
What Jesus Could Not Have Done
We really need both kindness and sternness. But let us suppose for the sake of argument that Jesus had had only kindness, and no sternness. Had that been the case, he would not have been able to call sinners to repentance. He would not have been able to correct people’s errors of understanding about God and his kingdom. He would not have been able to disarm Satan and his rebel angels.
And conversely, let us suppose that he had no kindness. He would never have sacrificed himself for us, nor forgiven our sins. He could not have cried over Jerusalem—nor wept at the death of Lazarus. And if we do the math on this verse, we’ll see that he could never have led people as effectively to repentance:
Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?
NIV Romans 2:4
We needed the whole Jesus, and not just his kindness, and not just his sternness. And yet here we are as his human followers, many of us trying to live out only the one or the other in our own characters—not understanding that we were designed to be both.
The hammer is a fantastic tool, but only for hammer-appropriate tasks. It makes a terrible screwdriver. (I know, because I tried this in my childhood.) Well, I’ve also tried using kindness where sternness was needed. And I’ve erred the other way around, too. But I can tell you that it’s much better to be making mistakes with both tools on the table, than making mistakes in using only the one tool!
We are not ever going to be flawless people—even though we can sometimes accomplish this or that particular need perfectly. And what is article is really about is an old saying I remember hearing from my Dad during my childhood: There’s nothing like having the right tool or the job.
I owe so much in my life to the kindness of others. And to the sternness. Whatever is good about me would not be half so good if both tools had not been used from time to time.
It’s No Sin to Be Like God in This
It is no sin to be like God in this—both kind and stern. When you are being like God in this, some people may think you’re sinning, but you’ve got to understand that these are the same people who are repulsed by some of God’s actions in the Bible! If they get him wrong, they will get you wrong, too, until (hopefully) they come to understand.
Sadly, I think that very few of today’s Christian camps are mature in this balance. And while a few have opted to learn hard toward the sternness side, it seems to me that most have opted to be off balance in the opposite direction. And I’ll not get into it here, regarding what might be the reasons behind the particular choices. But as to the consequences of it, I do observe that so many of the churches—and the people who fill them—tend to be somewhat dysfunctional in solving problems, overcoming obstacles, and correcting doctrinal errors.
It may be true that “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”—and I’m using this as a metaphor for church outreach—but that puts the churches primarily in the business of merely catching new members, and not of seeing them on to spiritual maturity, which often takes deliberate training and wrestling and conflict. Perhaps you remember this proverb:
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
NIV Proverbs 27:17
If you’ve ever watched iron sharpening iron, you probably noticed that it involves friction, creates heat, and even that sparks can fly! And this, of course, is a metaphor for the conflicts that we can get into when we endeavor to wrestle with each other’s erroneous thoughts and habits.
And what do you get if you just do without the heat and the sparks and the conflict? Well, you get dull people. And that was not God’s plan:
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
ESV 2 Corinthians 3:18
I’ve never seen anybody do well with this kind of transformation into the image of God without being strong in both the kindness and the sternness of God. It seems we were designed to help improve one another.
Conclusion
And now, dear reader, as we were instructed in the first verse shown in this post, we have spent some time together considering the kindness and sternness of God. I plan to keep on considering it, and I hope you will, too—for surely, this brief article cannot have mined all the treasures from this important topic!
