A Facebook friend was asking everyone how she should be kinder, and I realized I had a lot to say about this topic in general. So here’s my reply to her—edited to be more polished and thorough as a blog post.
QUESTION: How can I be kinder?
MY ANSWER: This is not speaking to you specifically, since I doubt I know you well enough to have insight into your specific situation. Generally, however, here’s what I would say to the question.
Whatever the conclusions you would draw, it’s good to start with a really precise definition of what it means to be kind. I know this may sound pedantic, but it makes a huge difference in the outcome, just as shooting at the wrong target in the rifle competition is going to affect one’s score—no matter how well he hit the wrong target.
Many seem to think that kindness, by definition, rules out conflict or tension or awkwardness. So they’ll pick a different target, so to speak. And I think that they are at once both right and wrong about this. Let me explain by starting with how King David once wrote a thing about kindness that may well cause us to scratch our heads.
Let a righteous man strike me—that is a kindness; let him rebuke me—that is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it, for my prayer will still be against the deeds of evildoers.
Psalm 141:5. ESV
A great many Christians will simply not know what to do with this, as it defies their (shortsighted) view of what kindness is. They think that confrontation is unkind by definition. And it may well be unkind, depending on whether we’re seeing it from a worldly point or view, or a heavenly one.
Unless we believe in a double-minded God, we do well to spend a long time contemplating this following passage about what God is like:
Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off. 23 And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again.
Romans 11:22-23 ESV
Too many think that sternness (or “severity” as the ESV puts it) is, by definition, unkind. Yet God is both kind and stern. But how can that be, unless:
- God has a double-minded nature (which would seem to go against the teachings of scripture), or
- True kindness and true sternness are not mutually-exclusive virtues?
Notice in the passage that the “kindness to you” is provisional, and that there is a stern alternative if they should fail to “continue in his kindness”.
This is a complicated system, trickier than is easily understood. And it seems to be the case—if I’m reckoning it correctly—that God is either kind or stern with someone, depending on what that person is doing at the time. Yet God is righteous all the time. We can deduce, then, that in God’s eyes, it must be righteous and proper for him to be kind in some situations, and to be stern/severe in other situations. And that’s more complicated than simply to be always kind, or always stern. It would certainly be easier for us to grasp if he were always either one or the other, but since it varies depending on the situation, we have to step up our thinking.
And to be fair, this should not surprise us, for we have been forewarned:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
Isaiah 55:8-9. NIV
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
That God is higher-minded than us doesn’t necessarily mean that we can’t grasp his thoughts, by the way, but it certainly means we may have to reach a bit—to strive beyond our daily routines of thinking—to go beyond what seems natural to us.
If we were to ask every Christian this question, what answer would we get?:
“Should Christians be kind all the time?”
I’m guessing that a great many would quickly answer “Yes!” But is that answer coming from common earthly thinking, or from heavenly thinking? Do we need to level-up on this answer to something more advanced? Here’s a set of questions to test our thinking:
- If a person wants to be kind, should he or she want to do it in a way that God does not do it?
- Should we want to be kind to those with whom God would be stern?
We can wrestle with this somewhat, telling ourselves, “Ah, but I am not God!”, and wondering whether some things about God are not proper for us to imitate. And we know this for sure when it comes to things like vengeance, for we have this directive, which is repeated often in the Bible:
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
Romans 12:19. NIV
So clearly, there’s at least one line we ought not cross when it comes to imitating God. But there’s a pretty obvious difference between taking vengeance on someone and correcting or rebuking him for his error or his bad behavior—or even for shunning him as God commands. Here are a couple of passages that we need to consider:
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Matthew 18:15-17. NIV
But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.
1 Corinthians 5:11. NIV
In just these two passages, we see these activities:
- confronting about sin
- taking one or two for backup
- taking it to the whole assembly
- shunning the unrepentant sinner
Are these things considered kind behaviors? In our normal way of thinking, of course not! But are they righteous? Yes! And even so, I see a lot of Christians skipping these things because it “doesn’t feel right” to do them. But they’re not thinking the whole thing through as God sees it, for to God, there’s a point to the sternness! For one thing, it’s designed to influence people to change their ways.
So, back to David, who actually found kindness in sternness:
Let a righteous man strike me—that is a kindness; let him rebuke me—that is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it, for my prayer will still be against the deeds of evildoers.
Psalm 141:5. ESV
Why didn’t David see such intervention as unrighteous, as so many other believers do? Let’s think it through:
If you were to come to my house and snatch me by the collar and drag me outside, I would be terribly offended by this—right up until you explained that my house was on fire—and from that point forward, it would be one of the most noteworthy events in my whole life—that time you dragged my out of my house to save my life. And I would be thankful to you forever, and would bring it up often.
Now, people who don’t believe in fire would never come to see it as kindness. And that idea seems to be what’s at the heart of whether they can see the kindness/sternness package as a viable whole. In short, I think a great many Christians don’t believe in fire, to so speak. That is, they don’t believe there’s any real danger in sin and error. So they don’t take it seriously.
They Don’t Believe In Fire
I wondered for a long time
Why some have such disdain
For the fireman—do-gooder that he is—
With his attitude of command and priority.
But then I finally realized the surprising truth—
That it’s because they don’t believe in fire.
And I hesitate to say it, but in case you haven’t realized it yet, let me tell you that the poem above is not really about fire. It’s a metaphor for the danger of error and sin.
Positivity Bias
The positivity bias is very strong in a huge percentage of our population. That is, they think that if it’s not “positive”, then it’s messed up. This can make them dysfunctional when “negative” things (like fires and errors and sin) need to be responsibly handled, because they somehow think they’re sinning even to notice that the thing is “negative”. (And much more could be said about this.)
I have surely been mean and harsh and stern and unkind in my life—in whatever ways are unrighteous and unjust in God’s eyes. Yet just as surely, I have been misjudged by people who don’t believe in fire, so to speak—who don’t see the point in needing to be right or righteous, and who think I’m overstepping my bounds to criticize them on some point of fact, logic, morality, or behavior. And this should not surprise anyway, as Jesus himself was killed for doing such things.
Sadly, much of “kindness”, as it’s played out in the real world, is defined not by principle and precept, but by now it is perceived by others. So in this way, it’s little more than a popularity contest for some, while it’s an aversion to conflict for others.
I just went to a Solo & Ensemble music festival where I heard some judges (not all) commending poor-to-mediocre performances with words like “wonderful” and “awesome” and “phenomenal”—as if it were a kindness to deceive the players so. I do not think Jesus would ever have done that.
Tatemae
For many, “kindness”—whatever else it is—is a way of managing others, so as to navigate the tricky waters of social interaction. “Moving things forward” is the goal, rather than dealing honestly, rationally, and responsibly. The Japanese seem to me to be shameless about this, and even have words for it (honne and tatemae). Here’s a very useful video about this. Do watch it if you can.
This tatemae culture is quite different from what David understood to be kind—and quite different from how Jesus handled people. Indeed, Jesus was frequently direct and contentious, and was often disappointed and angry with people’s attitudes and behaviors. Even so, so many do their best to ignore these episodes while searching for the warm-and-fuzzy passages where he’s hugging kids or lambs or whatever. (No, I do not know of any passages showing him hugging lambs, but I know he did, because I’ve seen paintings of it! : ) See?
David believed in fire. He believed he was obligated before God to be righteous, so he had leveled-up on his thinking. He had decoupled from that base association that says conflict = bad and had realized that the rebukes he got were life-saving, soul-saving kindnesses after all.
Sadly, many will never understand this—and especially those in the churches that disagree with Jesus and his prophets and apostles, finding no danger in sin and error. It is their idea of kindness to discount such dangers.
Anyway, I hope this gives you some food for thought. It’s sure got my mind running, and I think I’ll polish these thoughts and repost them on my blog.
