Once upon a time, there was a fox who could not reach the grapes he wanted. As he reflected on the scenario, he was dissatisfied with the truth of the matter: that he was unable to find a way to get the grapes. So he lied in order to “justify” himself to himself. He declared that those grapes (that he could never taste) were sour. And he did this with no evidence whatsoever that the grapes were indeed sour. It was an irresponsible, irrational, and dishonest assertion about the grapes, but maintaining his own arrogant self-view was more important than maintaining the truth.
And why am I reminding you of Aesop’s “Sour Grapes”? It’s because some people do a very similar thing when they find themselves in conflict with other people. What they want is to be validated by others, and when they don’t get it, they get angry. And then they feel a need to “justify” their anger and their negative attitude toward the others. And I put that word in quotation marks because very often, they cannot really justify it. Rather, they pretend to justify it.
And how do they do this?
Well, it’s frequently very simple. As with the fox, they are satisfied if they can find (or pretend) fault with the grapes. So they make accusations that seem sufficiently weighty (to them) to dismiss those who disagree with them. Here’s a list of what I’m talking about. They’ll make charges such as:
- Racist!
- Bigot!
- Sexist!
- Xenophobe!
- Homophobe!
- Sexist!
- Closed-minded!
- Arrogant!
- He’s biased.
- Heretic!
- He just likes to argue.
- Extremist!
- Terrorist!
- He’s just bitter.
- Idiot!
- Conspiracy theorist!
- Brainwashed!
- Deluded!
- He just likes to stir up trouble.
- Agitator!
- Instigator!
- Inciter!
- Selfish!
- Deceived!
- Twisted!
- Hater!
You get the idea.
Now, to be clear, I’m not suggesting that none of these labels would ever rightly fit any person; I’m talking about making such accusations without evidence, or perhaps, even, against the evidence! That’s the irresponsible part. Or actually, that’s the second irresponsible part—the first being that the person making the charge felt compelled to “justify” his negative attitude, rather than just telling the truth: “I have an unresolved disagreement with this person, and I feel negative feelings toward him.”
Now, what is the likelihood that you do this same thing?
That’s the real point of this post—that if you’re like most people, you do this, too. I’m not saying that you always do it, but you certainly do it sometimes—if you’re like most people.
It’s just easier to find fault than to work through a matter. And people’s minds do like things to be simple—even at the risk of oversimplifying a matter that’s actually complicated. And that’s a reality problem. They want a view of how things are that is simpler than the world really is. They want situations and relationships to be easier to navigate than they really are. So, then, the easiest way to do that is to have all Iranians be “terrorists” and all Italians be “thieves” and so forth.
But isn’t it twisted, Jack, to prefer cognitive ease over the truth of a matter?
Well, yes it is. And thanks for asking!
Now, let me say this before I go. One thing that really muddies the waters here is that some people who disagree with other people are rightly described by some things on the list above. So they can be labeled by such labels without violating the truth of the matter. That is, they are really racists or haters. But remember, this was only the second problem, and not the first. The first problem is with the one who wants to “justify” the disagreement rather than to work out the truth of the matter. So, maybe they got lucky that the person with whom they disagree just happens to be a “man-hater” or a “heretic”, but that doesn’t justify the fact that the disagreement needs to be settled squarely, rather than neglected and then lied about.
When people use these sorts of inaccurate labels for this purpose, they are showing that they have a reality problem—that they’re not comfortable dealing with the world as it really is, but that they have some inner need (they think) to reframe the world in their own terms—-as if the truth of a matter is not a sufficient way to size up the matter.
That’s twisted, of course, but it’s a very common habit among us humans. And if you’re like most people, you’re doing that, too—at least, sometimes.
Perhaps you could give it some thought and see if you do this.
Just imagine the difference it would make in this world if this particular bad habit were discontinued immediately by everyone!
