In the wake of these terrible mass murders, no one has yet proposed a truly-viable set of solutions. So I’m stepping forward with this brief letter to meet the need:
First of all, I propose that we require all would-be mass murderers to register for a mass murder permit. We would deny them all on principle, of course. Meanwhile, we’d know to be on the lookout for bad behavior from all who apply for such a permit.
And for those critics who are thinking that true mass murderers wouldn’t care about getting a permit in the first place, I have a plan for that, too: What we do is that we require that everybody who does NOT have a mass murder permit has to become certified in plumbing. This will be effective because everyone knows that there has never been a mass murder committed by a certified plumber.
Next, in case any would-be mass murderers should slip through the cracks, I propose that we require all members of the public to wear Kevlar vests, helmets, and face shields at all times. These are now available in a variety of sizes and colors.
Then, just to be sure, I propose that we require psychiatric evaluations for all members of the public, with a view toward identifying likely mass murderers. Those whose evaluations show them likely to commit mass murder, we should proactively incarcerate in secure facilities for observation and psychiatric treatment—along with anybody insane enough to apply for the previously-mentioned mass murder permit.
And finally, I propose that everybody should be forced to buy mass murder insurance. Schools, cities, counties, states, teachers, students, parents. Everybody. This way, everybody can be assured that whenever a mass murder occurs (hypothetically speaking) they’ll have funds available to help out with whatever expenses they may incur as a result.
I believe we all owe it to America to do our parts in helping avert such tragedies in the future. And it makes me proud to offer these solutions into the ongoing public debate. Although the products and services my companies provide are normally offered for corporate profits, I will be proud to offer them for the public good instead, overlooking any increased profits I should make as a result, and focusing instead on what an honor it is to live in such a free country as ours.
Indeed, I shudder to think of what it would be like to live in a communist or fascist country where the government could seize a company for its own purposes, as opposed to living here where the companies can seize the government for their own purposes.
God bless America.
CEO, American Institute of Plumbing Ceritifications
Inventor and Licensor of Kevlar®
CEO, Coast to Coast Psychiatric Services, Inc.
Owner of PharmaMerica Enterprises, Inc.
Major shareholder in Bars Across America Corrections Corporation
Founder, MMIA (Mass Murder Insurance of America)
Janice, be sure to send a copy of this to all 147 of our team in the House and all 57 of our Senators—along with the 3,900-page bill our legal team drafted. We need more co-sponsors in the House, so have Ted get us ten more. Tell him to offer them jobs as “consultants” for $1M each whenever they’re done in office. And call that actor whose movie I funded; get him to post this on his Facebook page.