Gorillas in the NFL as Linemen

Silverback Gorilla

Let us suppose that someone were to figure out how to train Silverback Gorillas to play football. And let us suppose that the gorillas were very good at it—especially, say, at the lineman positions—and outperformed their human counterparts at these positions consistently by 20%. And let us suppose that activists were to take up the cause of equal rights for gorillas, and that rich benefactors were to sponsor lawsuits on behalf of these rights, and that the media were to take up the cause to convince the public about how fair and just this is, and how it’s about time that a society became so enlightened as to break down the traditional barriers in this way.

And let us suppose that the NFL were to buckle under the pressure, and allowed the teams to hire gorillas to play—and that by the end of the first season under the new rules, there was not a human lineman left in the league.

What I wonder about this is whether any human lineman in the NFL would consider it unfair that creatures of a non-human species had been brought in to compete in their human league. Or would these homeless sportsmen rather be happy for the advancements in the cultural philosophy, and consider their own careers as having been well-sacrificed in furtherance of the noble cause?

Or would there rather arise an outcry that, if the gorillas ought not be banned outright, they should at least have to have a league of their own?

These are the things I find myself wondering about on this, my 58th birthday, as our American culture seems to be vying for some sort of world record for insanity.

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