Dear Former Human

From: Identity Transition Team

RE: Status Upgrade

17 May 2023

Dear Former Human,

We are excited to announce that your status has been upgraded from Human to Account. As you may know, during your lifetime, the heads of industry, along with the leadership here at have been working hard to make this win/win dream a reality! This frees them of the degrading burden of taking care of customers and leads us all into a new era in which your status is elevated to one of fully-self-actualized self-care, in which you can experience the self-affirming freedom of serving yourself at your own pace through our progressive, state-of-the-art automated system!

We trust our system will be able to accommodate your every need, but in the event that some unanticipated problem should occur, we trust you’ll be able to figure it out just fine on your own—as any good Account would do. Please be advised that we are continuing on, for the time being, with limited legacy Human support for those who have a hard time making the transition. In just a short time, however, all Human protocols will be deprecated and no longer supported.

We have faced heavy criticism for offering this limited-time legacy Human support, with many saying it will just prolong the transition. But we want you to know that our legacy support team have been advised, starting today, to nudge callers back into the automated system as soon and as often as possible, and our experts advise us that this gradual and repeated pressure will result in most of them finally being willing to make the identity shift completely. (We have advised our shareholders that profits gained in this transition are expected to be more than adequate to cover any loss of business from non-transitioning legacy customers.)

We understand statistically that a few existing customers should be expected to experience some modest emotional trauma during the identity transition from Human to Account, and are proud to announce that we will begin on 1 June 2023 offering automated cognitive therapy at no additional charge for these customers, as well as for staff transitioning their identities from Employed to Unemployed.

We apologize for any inconvenience this transition toward progress may cause for the few, and look forward to a glorious future with the rest, in which we can enjoy the increased revenues that are expected from never having to deal directly with humans again—whether customers or employees. And obviously, you can expect that we will pass some of the savings on to you!



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